And Now the Moment You've All Been Waiting For...

Remember the Michael Jackson full-back tattoo I mentioned back in September? To refresh your memory, there's a contestant named Elisabet on Finland's version of Big Brother who is obsessed with the former King of Pop -- even more than me! -- and has permanently inked herself in his memory. And the tattoo is so... umm... interesting... that I just had to share it in all its glory.


Wait for it....



Oh yeah, that's the stuff! On the left, is Michael dancing or does he have to pee? Also loving how the younger version of MJ looks like an old man. I guess it's good she doesn't have to look at it all the time, you know?

And, man, I wish I understood Finnish so I could watch this show. Apparently she gets into heated discussions about Michael and cannot accept the fact that a possible 5% of the earth's population hasn't ever heard his music. She is thoroughly convinced that even the remostest tribes in Africa must know who he is. At the time of posting, her status is listed as "häädetty" -- Google translate is no help there, but judging by her little grayed-out thumbnail image, I think she's been eliminated.

R.I.P. MJ, Elisabet and the most amazing full-back tattoo I have ever seen.

Friday Lolz!

My Finnish friend, Leena, posted this on my FB wall and I thought it was pretty funny. The World According to San Francisco.

I love being an American. :)

Click to embiggen! (Tee hee, awesome Simpsons reference, btw!) Thanks to Graphjam for all of this.

Hullut Päivät, Circus Pigs, Black Superman and WTF???

Have you ever have a day so full of WTF?!?! that you were expecting a TV crew to pop out from behind a tree at any second screaming "Smile, you're on America's Most Candid Punk'd Videos!" Well that was my day on Saturday -- hopefully the photos will do it justice.

It all started innocently enough. The plan was to hit up Stockmann, Helsinki's major department store, for Hullut Päivät, aka Crazy Days. It was exactly as promised -- insane. The entire population of Helsinki jam-packs into the 10-story (or so) block-long brick building, shopping 'til they drop for not-as-ridiculously-overpriced-as-usual, but-still-waaaaaaay-too-expensive products. Imagine Black Friday in America lasting a full week at Saks Fifth Avenue in NYC.

Anyway, they had a mascot!!! Fun!!!

Next on the agenda was to visit Suomenlinna, a historic island fortress off Finland's coast, known for its World Heritage status. But the island has been on the agenda for the last four weeks now, and something always keeps us from actually getting there. This time, we had time restraints and weather issues working against us, but I *will* visit that island this month. Oh yes. I will.

In lieu of sightseeing, we hit Cafe Esplanad, my favorite, albeit touristy, coffee place because a) they have pastries the size of my head (mmmmm) and b) it's the only place I've found that will make me a latte with hazelnut flavoring. (I miss you and your sweet coffee, America.) We grabbed a table outside, which is right when the hidden camera show struck again.

They know where you live.

Hamming it up for the camera. Yuk, yuk, yuk.

Why is this kind of thing always more surreal when you're traveling??? Apparently, this was some sort of circus group promoting their upcoming show. It was more terrifying-eat-your-children vibe than charming circus performers, but hey, maybe that's just my downer American take on things.

So after that cavalcade of characters, we decided to walk around a bit, hoping all the madness had passed. It hadn't.


Cue this tightrope-walking Superman dude who just hangs out and randomly does... this... and expects money for it. He's pretty synonymous with the city center, so I guess it made sense we saw him next.

People call him the Superman Lover.

And then another slice of crazy appeared, this time with a puppet scarier than Chucky:

By now, we were really close to Aussie Bar (shocking), where I had left my camera case a few nights prior. We figured we'd just check to see if they had it (omg - they did!!!) and have a beer. This is when we met these crazy Jackass-style gents, who immediately began their Johnny Knoxville-esque stunts like hanging from chandeliers and slip-and-sliding across the bar, stomach first. (Ummm... Ashton.... have we been Punk'd yet???)

And since I have adopted a Yes Man-type attitude in Helsinki, when they invited us to a house party that evening, I had to accept. On the way, they wanted to stop at a secondhand store called Uff . (Sidenote: This place is the Dechoes of Helsinki and there are five locations!!! I am in looooove.) They played a game where they each had three minutes to find a new outfit, max price of 17 euros. (This is where I politely declined. Only three minutes to shop? You've got to be joking.) They came out with shiny new outfits and we proceeded to the party.

This is where the photos will have to take over. (Also, I am horrible with names in America. In Finland, I am freakin' clueless.)

Green was his color (that's a lovely new dress, btw):


This dude's catch phrase: "I'm a kitty cat." (Family Guy reference.)

This is Anders. I remember his name because of his uncreative parents (bonus points if you can guess his last name!):

?????



??????



They kept telling me how they weren't gay, but kind of wished they were. I took that as my cue to leave. :)


But, yeah, just another boring Saturday in Helsinki. What did you guys do???

Finland’s Version of Big Brother Comes with Boobs, Bad Tattoos and Leg Shaving?

Big Brother is quite possibly America’s most boring and pointless reality show, and I’ll never understand why people watch it. (For the record, I used to love The Real World.) The Finnish version, on the other hand, shows boobs! Full nudity, to be exact. And we’ve been watching the girls taking showers and rinsing each other off for the last half hour here in the office. (Happy Friday!)

MTV3 produces the show and I’m pretty sure a lot of the people I work with are somehow responsible for it, probably by reporting what happens online. (Still trying to get a handle on what everyone does, obvs.) The show is aired 24 hours a day (bo-ring!) so even at 3 AM you can numb your brain watching self-centered 20-something Finns discuss mundane topics. (Or maybe you can watch them sleep. Or screw. I have no idea.)* Not speaking Finnish, I never know what’s happening in the house, but it looks pretty lame. Although, if there’s one thing that can break a language barrier, it’s full-frontal nudity.

Time spent getting naked = 0.5 hours.

Time spent laying around, drinking and having deep, woe-is-me discussions = 23.5 hours.

Here’s how it all went down: the guy sitting across from me gets a phone call and jumps up to to change the TV station from music videos to the Big Brother channel. (BTW, we watch music videos all the time, here. Artists in heavy rotation include Adam Lambert, Backstreet Boys and Lady Gaga.) Cut to: girls in the bathroom wearing bikinis and contemplating showering (I think. I’m drawing my own conclusions). Most are thin and cute but there is one older, larger lady who -- of course -- is the first one to strip totally naked and start scrubbing herself down. Eww. Another girl follows suit also and lathers herself up. (The guy in my office is practically drooling on the phone, seemingly happy by this. Again, eww.) All kinds of private, showering moments are happening -- like shaving vajayjays, which I don’t find particularly hot -- and are now fully broadcast for the world (well, all of Finland anyway) to see.

The most disturbing part of all this is not the nudity, or the fact that I am an uptight American who isn't comfortable watching naked chicks showering ... with my co-workers ... while we’re AT WORK! ... or even the Finnish comments being made by the guy sitting across from me that I don’t technically understand, but understand all too well. No, none of that is as bad as the full back tattoo on one of the naked girls. A full back tattoo of... Michael Jackson. (!!!!!)

Now, I love MJ more than most people and I am all for, um, how you say? ... yes, tasteful tattoos honoring musicians (except the Dave Matthews Band), but I can’t imagine living with this atrocity on my body. It’s b&w and memorial-style, with two images of post-plastic surgery Michael; above him are clouds and sun rays... or something? Heaven shining down on him, I guess. Bottom line: it’s really, really bad. Like, distracting from full nudity bad. And if you’re going to get an MJ tattoo, why would you pick the creepy, nose-falling-off, possible child molestation days to immortalize on your body? Hmmm... Thriller MJ or Invincible MJ? Tough decision.

This is the only photo I can find, which doesn’t do this monstrosity justice:

The "heaven" part of the tattoo -- the opposite of heavenly.

Update: Ok, I found a more revealing photo, if you will. You still can’t see MJ’s face, but you get the point:

Nope, not awkward at all.

(More NSFW photos here. Even some of the ladies shaving... their legs. And PS to all the chicas out there, wouldn't this be a sitch where you would skip the shaving? Forreal.)

Another update: bad tattoos seem to be a theme in this house. Check out this douche:

Look out, Jersey Shore! Niko is the new situation!

Even more updates: shaving is also a theme. Must be a (bored) European thing?

Ummm.... ??? Where do I begin?

Ok, researching these photos has just led me to a slew of others. I probably should quit while I'm ahead.

Yep. Still speechless. The circus comes to mind, though.

Gay or European? Truth or dare? Just bored? The jury is still out.

*Holy crap!!! I just realized it costs almost 40 euros to subscribe to the Big Brother channel!!!!! WTF is wrong with people?!?!? To be fair, at least it's more interesting than psycho pastors burning religious books. Oh, Florida. All I do is defend you and you keep letting me down. Not cool.